Thursday, October 8, 2009
It was one of those miracle moments when both of the kids home were asleep. Ride was out cold on the floor wedged between the sofa and the ottoman. Momo in his crib. I decided to take advantage of the rare beautiful quiet and clean. I put Pandora onto a favorite station and pumped it through my speakers. I moved room to room motivated by the vision of a “house of order.” Eventually I made it to my bedroom. There was a small plastic basketball on the floor. I picked it up with the intent of tossing it out into the hall when my eye caught something. On the ceiling was a spider.
Hmmmm… I thought, “I bet I could hit him with this ball.” And he sat there seeming to say “Hmmmm… I dare you to try.” So I did.
Only I missed. However, I came so close that I knocked him off his feet & he tumbled. (My ceiling is vaulted, and the wall separating the bedroom & the closet doesn’t go all the way up to the ceiling). So the spider fell into my closet, and presumably onto my top shelf. I walked into the closet just out of curiosity and looked up towards that shelf. Or better known as the place I put stuff I hardly use. There is my stack of “I’m too thin for maternity jeans, but too big for the jeans I love so these will do,” pregnancy pants. Next to those is a stack of white boxes. I realized I hadn’t looked through them in at least 2 years. I had forgotten they were even there.
I thought… “Hmmm, maybe I should rummage through those again.” And they stared back saying… “Hmmm, I dare you too. “ So I did.
I spread them out onto the floor & sat myself next to them. They were almost gray with dust. They were filled with trinkets from what seems another life. A yellowing newspaper dated Saturday August 5 2006. A bottle of consecrated oil… passed down to my husband from his grandfather, I wondered where that was. The next box… two small plaster molds of a tiny hand and foot and a small gold ring. On to the next, I drifted my hand across a knitted pink blanket and beanie. Some sweet someone, somewhere had knitted these and donated them to the hospital. I wish I knew who that someone was. I wish I could say thank you. And the last box, I knew what was coming before I pried it open.
There was her ankle id from the hospital, and a little white sleeper. We hadn’t brought anything for her to wear. I honestly hadn’t even thought about it. The months prior I dreaded the baby section. I would take the long way around if necessary. Even at work I would walk down any aisle except THAT one. It was just too hard. It hurt too much. So no, I hadn’t purchased anything for her to wear. The kind nurse at the hospital took care of it. So it was white, fuzzy, and has the name of the hospital written on it with black marker.
The arms of it are still rolled up several times. Her arms were so itty-bitty; it was the only way to unveil those darling pudgy hands and fingers. I put it next to my face. I even tried smelling it. I remember doing this just weeks, months after. Trying desperately to find anything she left behind. I knew before I breathed in I would be disappointed.
Momo started crying. I packed up everything briskly but delicately and replaced them to their spot beside my ugly jeans. And then retrieved my baby from his cage, ahem... crib.
We walked out into the great room & began the baby slow dance to calm him down. The music changed and “Somewhere over the rainbow” performed by IZ started playing. You would think this is where the water works would start. But they didn’t. My baby curled up on my chest. His head nuzzled under my chin. We danced and I sang, very off tune mind you, along with the song.
And I smiled. No tears… not a drop. Only smiles.
Evie is ok.
I am ok.
Everything is ok.